Debate in Parliament heated up this week as politicians jostled for the position of best mate to dead man Steve Irwin. Irwin died on Monday after being stabbed through the heart by a stingray barb in a diving accident that shocked the world. The famed "Crocodile Hunter" was believed to be immortal by his many fans, seen regularly on TV wrestling the giant man eaters and dodging poisonous snakes. His death sparked a public outpouring of grief and support, especially from Australia's politicians.
More...

Japan has already laid out plans for their reaction to the hostility they are expecting when two survey ships reach Takeshima, a rocky outcrop in the Sea of Japan.
"Surprise. Shock. Completely unexpected," said Chief Cabinet Secretary Shinzo Abe when talking about his upcoming reaction to the anticipated clash. "This pretty well proves that the Koreans are predictably hostile. Nothing could have prepared us for this."
"I'm flabbergasted. This came without warning," added Japan Foreign Minister Taro Aso. "The Koreans are up to their usual tricks of trying to sabbotage relations with us. No one could have seen this coming."
More...

Japanese and South Korean television stars are being killed off at a ferocious rate, as studios compete viciously for the lucrative weepy market in increasingly soppy and morbid melodramas. Japan, long a champion of bloodless hospital deaths as a cheap way to move their audience to tears and more, has found itself facing stiff competition from the equally bereft-of-ideas studios of Korea. Estimates have put the death of beautiful females in such dramas at one per series, the "one" invariably being the star. At these levels, both countries will find themselves with a dearth of leading ladies to fill the ever-increasing demand for tragically beautiful cancer victims.

"Anyone loves to watch a beautiful girl dying slowly, week after week after week," snivelled cancer drama fan Masanobu Hirano. "I know I do. They look so vulnerable lying there in their white hospital robes. You kind of want to give them a sponge bath."
Added self-confessed leukemia fetishist Hideaki Ban:
"Brain tumors and the like are a waste of a nubile young body. Much better to see them waste away slowly with the white blood thing, send them to Australia, make them faint a few times, then have a good solid wank as they die in hospital. Then you've really got your money's worth."
More...

North Korea has nuclear weapons and is prepared to use them against the United States, according to the communist regime's Foreign Ministry. A spokesman warned the U.S. to cooperate on the recognition of North Korea as a nuclear state, the Central News Agency reported. The isolationist country first declared its nuclear arsenal last year, although some still doubt the veracity of the claims.

In other reports from the government-run Central News Agency, gramophones are booming in the capital, Pyongyang, with three families reported to be enjoying the luxury of listening to patriotic songs in the comfort of their own homes.
More...

Crown Prince Naruhito is to visit Mexico this week for the World Water Forum. The Prince developed an interest in water when hearing about the chance to escape from his wife and spend a few days soaking up the sun and sipping on margaritas on the beach in the lazy, sex-drenched country. The forum runs from March 16-22 and will address such issues as "water".
More...

Korea celebrated their annual "Fuck Japan" day festival with the traditional flag burnings, rallies, and attacks on the Japanese embassy. The day marks the 1919 uprising against then colonial power Japan, in which hundreds of Koreans were killed as the revolt was mercilessly quashed. March 1st is one of the 365 days each year when anti-Japan sentiment is allowed to boil over on the Chosen peninsula, and Koreans on both sides of the 38th parallel are permitted to express their hatred towards their former colonial masters.
More...

Medical staff at the Ibn Al-Nafees Hospital have announced they are searching for a nose to be used in a controversial transplant operation. The surgery would be only the second of its kind following a successful partial face trasplant in France last year. Surgeons have said that the operation will be performed on an anonymous patient upon receipt of a suitable nasal specimen at the hospital.
"We can't disclose the identity of the recipient at this time, but we are conducting a preliminary search for noses of suitable tissue type, skin colour and aesthetic qualities," a hospital spokesman said.
More...

Charles Jenkins, former U.S. soldier and North Korea abductee, has confirmed widespread expectations that he is planning to commit his memoirs to paper. Jenkins, wife of Hitomi Soga, spent more than 30 years in the communist republic, and intends to talk about his experinces and tribulations as a prisoner of the oppressive regime.

In order to bring his English up to a standard capable of expressing an autobiographical treatise, Jenkins has been attending English classes on the desolate island of Sado, along with several local children. Jenkins takes a twice-weekly lesson at Mrs. Murakami's Eigo Kyoushitsu, where he is joined by Ayana Kanayama, 5, Natsumi Kanayama, 7, and Takuma Yamagishi, 7.
More...

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeman Kong Quan got all whingy and whiny today about comments made by Japan's Foreign Minister earlier regarding Japan's occupation leading up to and during World War 2.
"Totally unacceptable," said the Chinaman. "Everyone knows the Japanese were bad people back then, just as they are bad people now. We have no intention of visiting the war-glorifying Yasukuni Shrine to worship bad people."
More...

North Korea's Central News Agency has announced that Kim Jong Il, secretary of the Workers Party of North Korea is "tall and handsome." The state-run news agency also mentioned that the Dear Leader was a mathematical genius, wrote all of Shakespeare's plays, and was "quite a number with the ladies."
More...

In an attempt to preempt a possible racially-motivated attack on himself, a Mr George Nasr of Cronulla, Sydney has today confessed to giving himself, in his words, "a bit of a pretty good bloody hiding." Mr Nasr, sporting mild contusions and abrasions about the face, neck, chest, and head area, has turned himself in to the Cronulla Central police station after having turned on himself in broad daylight while strolling along Cronulla beach.
More...

Thomas Bottersfly here. The Editor is dead set on getting this "coin-operated-clown" asshat writing for his shitty webzine or forumagazine or gazette of fagzette or whatever the hell he calls this cyber pamphlet piece of shit toe-rag abomination. He torpidly, haughtily and heavy-handedly dispatched me to the "GaijinPot dot com" with instructions to "swipe a cornish-codpiece-guy headline from there then under the headline type a story so bloody horrid that the trundling tinny automata prick will be lured in here even if only to clear his good name." "So bloody horrid." Yep, The Editor, he does know how to suitably delegate his available resources (THAT BEING ME), I'll give him that.
More...

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizuni has warned APEC leaders not to get bogged down by "petty squabbles" and "minor quibbles". Speaking at an open forum in Busan, Koizumi stressed the importance of building strong political ties between Asian nations and not "driving a wedge between countries using pathetic excuses like China and Korea are doing with Japan right now". Koizumi, dressed in a tight fitting suit and spectacular silver hairpiece, laid out his plans for China and Korea to stop complaining about Japan on any level for any reason to facilitate the positive working relationship enjoyed by Japan in the past. "Quit your gabbing," growled the feisty leader.
More...

Prime Minister Koizumi Friday apologised for Japan's aggression in World War 2 to a forum of international leaders in Jakarta, Indonesia. "With heartfelt remorse and deepest regret, I apologise for Japan's involvement in losing the war," Koizumi announced to the assembled leaders, many from countries affected most by Japan's tragic loss. "Japan's actions during its occupation have left a hole in the hearts of many of our subjects," continued Koizumi, sporting round black spectacles. "It is regretable that we were forced to withdraw by the sneaky and underhand tactics of the white man."
More...

Prime Minister Koizumi has pledged $500 million dollars in aid in the wake of the recent tsunami that devastated much of Asia, and even caused deaths as far away as Africa. Announcing his pledge, Koizumi, dressed in full Samurai armour said, "As the leader of Asia, as opposed to China which is IN Asia, but not a leader, unlike Japan which is in Asia, but not a part of it, but is definitely its leader, it is our responsibility to help these gooks back on their feet and making our goods again. As we know from past experience, your Asian tends to be a lazy good for nothing, and will use any old excuse to take the arvo off, in this case a cry of 'Surf's Up!'. We can't let them off the hook this time, so we're sending in the troops."
More...

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has issued a stern warning to North Korea not to attempt to abduct Charles Jenkins again. Jenkins, recently dismissed from a long suffering career with the US army has returned to his hometown of Sado with Japanese wife Hiromi Soga, and their two daughters. There are concerns that the close proximity of the island to North Korea might tempt the isolationist state to abduct Jenkins again.
More...

New Zealand has been reported mussing by the pilots of Air New Zealand flight 947. The pilots returned their jet to Sydney's Sir Walter Burley Kingsford Smith Airport at around 2 p.m. having failed to locate the desolate archipelago. The flight, due to ferry 250 hopeful locals to the Australian mainland, was empty apart from pilots and crew. Subsequent satellite photographs have since confirmed the lack of a New Zealand in the southwestern Pacific.
More...