The world rejoiced today with the news that Princess Kiko, darling of the conservative classes, gave birth to the first living God in the world in 41 years. The God was delivered by Caesarian section at Tokyo's Aiiku Hospital at 8:27 a.m. this morning. Both Princess and God were said to be doing well.
More...

As granddaughter of wartime Prime Minister Hideki Tojo, Yuko Tojo is in a unique position to reveal the private life of the oft-demonized leader. She is also a tireless campaigner for the restoration of her kin's good name and an advocate of historical review of the war and Japan's role in it. She spoke to the Rising Sun-Times recently in a Tokyo cafe.






Rising Sun-Times: It's very kind of you to come.

Yuko Tojo: I think so too.

RST: How are you today?

YT: Very well.

RST: Tea?

YT: Yes please.

RST: Nuts?

YT: Yes but no thank you. Can we get on with the interview?
More...

Dugong-keeled RST cadet reporter Thomas Bottersfly has today confirmed that the seances involving disgraced architect Katsura Aneha and his thoroughly dead wife are "complete and utter bollocks."

Bottersfly, in his capacity as the rapish, no, rakish rottweiler of the RST reuter rubric found himself summoned by email to a nondescript residential address by Aneha, the tenement taxidermist whose sole hobby now is to gently push small fruit-scented erasers up his own anus.

Along with Bottersfly, also present at the residential netherworld convention were newly elected Democratic party chief Ichiro Ozawa and - somewhat peculiarly - a tarted-up mannequin supposed to represent Aneha's stark raving bonkers wife.
More...

A daikon resembling George W. Bush has been unearthed in the remote village of Annaka Haruna, Gunma prefecture. The daikon was discovered by farmer Taro Akagi, who noticed the resemblance to the US president and decided to display the curiosity at his farm. Locals came to see the unusually shaped tuber, and this led to town officials appropriating the radish as their "leader for a day". The daikon, pictured left, has since become a favorite of the townspeople who have dubbed it "Henachoko Daikon", or wimpy radish.
"It's a great chance to put our village on the map," councillor Goro Akagi said, "and with this white vegetable in charge, we know exactly how it feels to be American."
More...

Ichiro Ozawa, newly elected leader of Japan's Democratic Party, suggested that the 14 Class A war criminals enshrined at the war-related Yasukuni Shrine could be moved to other shrines, paving the way for visits by Japanese prime ministers and the Emperor. The unpatriotic communist commented that war criminals should never have been enshrined at Yasukuni, which honors Japan's war dead, and that prayers could be offered freely following their removal.

Prime Minister Koizumi was quick to dismiss such a suggestion citing the constitutional separation of religion and state:
"It is not up to the government to comment on the actions of a religious organisation such as Yasukuni Shrine," said Koizumi. "If they decide, correctly, to enshrine Japanese heroes mistakenly labelled by the allied kangaroo war court as criminals, then it is up to us as the political leaders of the nation to go and worship them. Mr. Ozawa is dangerously mixing religion and politics here."
More...

Police and local neighborhood association memebers were one step closer to catching the illegal garbage dumper of a suburban residential street. Local resident and neighborhood association member Kazuko Etchibou provided police with the critical link which could crack the case wide open and bring the offending gaijin to justice. Rising Sun-Times caught up with Kazuko as she was making her security rounds.

"I got duty gabijuzu. My neighborhood said me I got unpleasant face moment. But I could find gabijuzu thrown man. They know nothing how to throw gabijuzu. They comed from other places town. I could get big refuse expense from their. I bought expense ticket Sunkus shop. I have a lucky."
More...

Students at the Narimasu branch of NOVA were surprised when new teacher Geoff Teasdale arrived in voice room for the first time on Tuesday. The Itabashi ward school has seen its fair share of teachers come and go, but nothing could prepare the students for 83 kilogram, 178 centimeter Teasdale. As the lumbering giant waddled his way into the room, several students were heard to gasp in amazement, and all eyes followed the young Canadian as he lowered his mammoth frame into a chair. The new teacher's nervous self introduction introduced an uncomfortable silence eventually broken by Yumi Hashino, 27:
"You're fat," she said, eyeing Teasdale's protruding belly.
More...

Sonoko: How about Mitsubishi?
Yumi4never: NO. Not reliable. They are the makers of the dangerous car.
WinterSonata666: Nissan is reliable.
Yumi4never: Too small. There are 12 of us remember.
Toshi: We need a flatbed truck.
Yumi4never: BAKA. NO ROOF ON BACK OF FLATBED TRUCK. The gas will not be contained and will dissipate into the atmosphere.
Toshi: Oh yeah.
Sonoko: BAKA.
Yumi4never: BAKA.
WinterSonata666: BAKA.
<<<**Thomas Bottersfly has entered Room 1**>>>
Thomas Bottersfly: Hey, you guys can use my van. You can pay me later.
Toshi: ????
Yumi4never: Shut up Toshi. OK! Sounds good! We'll do it!
WinterSonata666: Thank you, Buttonfly!
Sonoko: Woo hoo! We're all gonna die!
Thomas Bottersfly: Meet me by the bubbling brook near old man Watanabe's paddy at 11 pm sharp.
Yumi4never: Will do.
Toshi: Everything is falling into place.
WinterSonata666: Drive carefully, Mr Bothersomefly.
Thomas Bottersfly: Thats BOTTERSFLY, you goth-tard knob receptacles. B-O-T-T-E-R-S-F-L-Y.
WinterSonata666: Honto ni moshiwake gozaimasen deshita.
More...

Junior high school teacher Shiro Fukazawa has been instructing his second year students in the many ways in which Japan is unique. Students at the school in Tokyo's Hino city have been learning that Japan is an island, that Japan has four seasons, that Japanese is uniquely difficult to learn, all as qualities that separate it from other countries in the world.

"It saddened me to think that Japanese children could complete an education without having a sense of the uniqueness of their own country," Fukazawa, 47, told the Rising Sun-Times. "So I introduced a social studies class where they can learn stuff like this to fuck up their relationships with the outside world for the rest of their lives."
More...

Disqualified architect Hidetsugu Aneha has admitted that's he's "not so busy" since he confessed to falsifying data on over a hundred buildings nationwide last December. Aneha, 48, has been keeping a low profile at his plush office in Ichikawa, Chiba, since the scandal, designing only a handful of buildings under the table.

"It's been a quiet time," the architect said, sporting an Aderans hairpiece c.1987. "It could be a decline in the recent building boom that's to blame, or just a natural fluctuation in the market. One can never be sure."
More...

Residents of a quiet suburban street were outraged today over the dumping of garbage in a vacant house lot. Resident of the street Kazuko Etchibou was on hand to give Rising Sun Times this exclusive eye witness account.
"Za gabbiju truck was leaved the gabbijuzu. My houses across houses man was leaved his car to za car shop. Za gabbijuzu left next door house but house wasn`t.....doesn`t."
More...

Princess Kiko is up the duff, the Imperial Household Agency announced yesterday. In a development that could alter plans to submit a bill allowing females to ascend the throne, the wife of second-in-line Prince Akishino, was said to be in the sixth week of her pregnancy. The couple have two daughters, Princess Mako, 14, and Princess Kako, 11. No male heir has been born into the Imperial family in forty years.

In their statement, the Agency said that "unlike certain other princesses, Princess Kiko is not an infertile wreck." If the fetus turns out to be a male, succession will pass to Akishino's side of the family, leaving Princess Aiko to be nothing more than a curiosity and her mother even more of an outcast than she currently is. The pregnancy has also put on hold the debate of whether to introduce concubines to ensure the unbroken male lineage of the Chrysanthemum Throne, a move supported by 49% of the population with vicarious salivation.
More...

Foreign Minister Taro Aso today urged China to visit Yasukuni Shrine. The move comes amid worsening bilateral ties between Japan and China, mostly due to China's stubborn refusal to attend important summit meetings with Japan or worship the Japanese war dead. Aso said China must visit the war-related shrine to reach an understanding of the Japanese spirit before talks could bear fruit.
"To truly perceive the peaceful Japanese heart, China's top leaders will need to visit Yasukuni, worship the souls of those who died in the Emperor's name, and achieve a true understanding of history," Aso said from his office, adorned with skulls of Chinamen brought back from the continent by his daddy after World War 2.
More...

A knife used by a local resident to brutally slice and dismember a six month-old daikon radish to death and perhaps even disfigure it irrepairably was a type sold at local 100-yen shops, RST investigator Thomas Bottersfly has learned.

An examination of the knife has revealed that the implement in question has a 17-centimeter blade and that it was an ordinary type of knife.
"Made of steel with a handle towards one end to ease handling and perhaps even other knife-wielding related operations" concluded Bottersfly last night.
The prominently mandibled, circus freak-cocked Bottersfly then went on to opine loudly that several 100-yen shops in his area sold the same kind of knife. Made of steel. With a handle. At one end.
More...

Fat fuck does it again! Horie, the ugly bastard at the helm of a major start-up company that does indescribable shit (i.e. no one knows what they do), has ditched the fag boys at Smap for a shot at some real husky anally violating fun courtesy Japan's criminal rehabilitation system. "I'm excited about this," Horie told a news conference. "Not only did I spark off a mega market collapse that shit-canned the Tokyo Stock Exchange, but I'm looking out for some loving like I've never known before. I'm the fucking "A" and you're all my bitches!"
More...

Realizing that the chances of the Womble, as Crown Prince Naruhito is known around the palace elite, ever getting the chance to be in the same room as the Crown Princess Masako, let alone get naked, have dropped to nil, a government panel has decided to move forward with a plan that will allow Womble's only spawn, Princess Aiko, to sit on the Chrysanthemum throne.
More...

A man has been confirmed dead at a prefectural hospital today after eating mochi containing deadly fugu and poisonous wild mushrooms. The man, Shigeo Takehara was eating the mochi at his house early morning prepared by his wife. He became unable to breathe after choking on the sticky rice cake, when his wife called for an ambulance. He was declared dead at the time of the emergency vehicle's arrival.
More...

The Editor sent me another fucking homing kebab, I mean, budgie. Bit chewy this one though. Ed, instead of silly falsetto serenading the bastards from a distance as you're sprawled out legless in your fucking shacho chair, try staggering to your feet for long enough to breathily marinade them with your patented "Eau de Garden" mouth fumes for a half a fucking hour a day before dispatching the little pricks. Anyway, this time the budgie bore a wee note instructing me to get down to Tokyo to weasel out the scoop on that construction material scamming toupeed twat Aneha. "Aneha." Fuck Aneha. I don't givea shit about Aneha. The earthquake comes, they're all fucked anyway. Ahh, crap, I may as well go. Good chance for a bit of 5-finger discounting to flesh out my "Negligent Chloroform" vids collection.
More...

Speaking on the exclusion of figure skater Mao Asada from the Turin Olympics next year for being underage, Prime Minister Koizumi has supported moves to have the current laws changed to allow the elfin 15 year old to compete.
"She skates so beautifully it would be a waste not to have her bring glory to the motherland," Koizumi told reporters. "Besides, what's the difference? Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. I've fucked younger than that. Shit, half the cabinet members have been involved with underage girls at one time or another. Old Abe here could tell you a thing or two, or three at one point if I remember correctly."
More...

Tokyo Governor, Shintaro Ishihara, set an unwitting world record in a speech today. Addressing the press on the topic of "How best to convince China on Yasukuni - bombs or nukes?", the author turned politican blinked 412 times in one 60 second interval, breaking the previous record of 398, held by professional nictitator Rudolf Schlummelheim of Dusseldorf, Germany.
More...

U.S. President George W. Bush arrived in Japan this week to a warm welcome from Prime Minister Koizumi. The two leaders exchanged handshakes, smirky grins and slightly embarrassed reciprocal slaps on the shoulder. Ahead of talks, Bush described Japan as "Swell, one of the countries, a country in Asia, and a really good country." Bush also demonstrated his grasp of tricky geography by placing Japan in the same region as "China, Korea, and Mya.. Mya.. Mya.. Thailand."
More...

A disturbed Princess Masako has held up the wedding of Princess Sayako and Yoshiki Kuroda with various tactics to put herself in the princess's place and marry herself out of the Imperial household, sources say. It all started early in the morning when the stressed out princess was seen hiding her sister in law's clothes and gluing her shoes to the floor of the Imperial genkan. She also made off with the wig the princess was due to wear for her wedding ceremony later in the day.
More...

Japanese police have located a family of five that had previously been believed to have been kidnapped by North Korea. The Saito family disappeared without a trace in August 1985 leading police to conclude that they were either abducted by the isolationist communist regime or victims of the legendary tsuchinoko. Friends and relatives had virtually given up hope of ever seeing the Saitos alive again, when a new lead led determined police detective Hidenori "Buster" Fujii to the home of Maki Matsumoto, a local bar worker.
More...

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has designated September 2nd "Gaijin Day". In celebration of Japan's victory in World War 2, the government has decided to honor the foreigners who fought needlessly and comically against the invincible Japanese war machine. While August 15 traditionally marked VJ Day, or Victory of Japan Day, September 2nd is remembered as the day allied war leaders clambored on board the ailing USS Missouri in order to catch a glimpse of the victorious Emperor Hirohito for the signing of the Greater East Asia Koizumi Prosperity Sphere.
More...

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has declared an early victory in today's general election. Before polling even started, Koizumi made a victory speech at the Shinagawa Prince Hotel to assembled LDP members at their "Victory Breakfast". "Today is a great victory for Japan and for the world," shouted the Prime Minister. "The people have voted for reform and reform they are going to get! From today we are going to reform Japan back to the good old days of..." The rest of his speech was lost in a chorus of "Tenno Heika Banzai!" by members of the reform minded Liberal Democratic Party.
More...