September 11

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has declared an early victory in today's general election. Before polling even started, Koizumi made a victory speech at the Shinagawa Prince Hotel to assembled LDP members at their "Victory Breakfast". "Today is a great victory for Japan and for the world," shouted the Prime Minister. "The people have voted for reform and reform they are going to get! From today we are going to reform Japan back to the good old days of..." The rest of his speech was lost in a chorus of "Tenno Heika Banzai!" by members of the reform minded Liberal Democratic Party.

Koizumi immediately shelved plans for Postal privatisation and other reforms, claiming it interfered with him "getting a piece of Korean crumpet", referring to his longtime lover. The LDP has fought an uphill battle against nonreform minded parties to change the business and political mindset of Japan in recent years. This general election was seen as a referendum on reform, particularly with regards to the postal savings and loan branch of the government, variously referred to as "the cancer on the conundrum of Japanese society", "a carbuncle on the face of an old cunt I've never even fucking met", and "the biggest money earner in the world. I ain't complaining and neither is my Koeran bitch."

Considered an unusual move, Koizumi's early declaration of victory solves the logisitcal problem of rousing thirty or forty Japanese voters from their ritual TV afternoons to head for the voting station. "By declaring victory early," Koizumi stated in a press release, "we eliminate the costs and worries of an election. This is how we serve the people. This is how reform minded we are." Later, in his departure speech, he belowed "We will reform the fuck out of this country, even if it means killing China!" over a dozen empty bottles of Dom Perignon.

Following the Victory Breakfast, Koizumi left for a recreational vacation at Karuizawa with an anonymous Korean friend. Asked whether it was fair to declare victory before an election actually took place, Koizumi snapped "Don't be ridiculous man, this country is a democracy. Do I have to spell it out for you?" before shooting the reporter in the temple. Koizumi plans to review election results in October, 2008.

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