September

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has designated September 2nd "Gaijin Day". In celebration of Japan's victory in World War 2, the government has decided to honor the foreigners who fought needlessly and comically against the invincible Japanese war machine. While August 15 traditionally marked VJ Day, or Victory of Japan Day, September 2nd is remembered as the day allied war leaders clambored on board the ailing USS Missouri in order to catch a glimpse of the victorious Emperor Hirohito for the signing of the Greater East Asia Koizumi Prosperity Sphere.

"In order to honor the defeated allies," Koizumi read from a prepared speech, "we would like to offer September 2nd as a day when all Japanese can benefit from the comic nature of the foreigner, and enjoy a day of mirth and frivolity at his expense. We may have won the war, but we are a peace loving nation, and we have magnanimous Japanese hearts. We call upon all foreigners to be laughed at by Japanese on this day of conciliation and internationalism."

Several prefectures immediately announced Gaijin Festivals, where huge rubber noses and blond wigs will be handed out, and local women will be encouraged to behave in a lewd and lascivious manner, in keeping with the low morals of the white man. Sheets of questions will be handed out to schoolchildren, who will be encouraged to attack foreigners while reading portions of their language at them. Dunk-a-Gaijin and Pin the Kancho up the Fat White Arse games promise to be big hits.

The Prime Minister modelled one of the Gaijin outfits approved by the Ministry of Gaijin Costumes. Apparelled in a three foot rubber schnoz, long blond locks and a pair of hang-over-the-shoulder tit sets, Koizumi pranced round parliament wailing "I'm a foreign woman. Please sex me! Please sex me!" An official from the Greater East Asia Ministry comented "We Japanese could learn a lot from the foreigner. However, we have chosen not to. Instead we will enjoy his comic charms and silly appearance through festivals that celebrate our own internationalism and superiority."

Koizumi later reiterated his support for George W Bush. "Now there's a man who really understands the Japanese spirit," he said.

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