Aomori, Friday

Japanese police have located a family of five that had previously been believed to have been kidnapped by North Korea. The Saito family disappeared without a trace in August 1985 leading police to conclude that they were either abducted by the isolationist communist regime or victims of the legendary tsuchinoko. Friends and relatives had virtually given up hope of ever seeing the Saitos alive again, when a new lead led determined police detective Hidenori "Buster" Fujii to the home of Maki Matsumoto, a local bar worker.

Upon inspection of the horny hostess's nether regions, Fujii and a team of forensic experts was able to locate the Saitos and pull them to safety. The visibly shaken Saitos were taken to the Ninohe Amateur Phrenologists Clinic for vitamin treatment and a palm reading. Naoki Saito, 59, granted an interview to the Japanese press corps from his hospital bed. "I would like to express my thanks to detective Hidenori "Buster" Fujii for his tenacious work in locating us in the Black Forest," he said. Asked how he and his wife and three children survived for over 20 years in a woman's pubic pasture, Saito answered "We just went about our daily lives as best as possible and kept our spirits up." Responding to a question about procuring food and water, he said "we went to local supermarket like everyone else."

Hidenori "Buster" Fujii has since located a further 15 families previously thought to be abductees or tsuchinoko victims in the hirsute hussy's hoobie, and has arrested a supermarket owner on suspicion of labelling imported "uni" as local produce. In addition, a group of Korean business men have been charged with running an unlicensed pachinko parlour. Asked how he intended to readjust to Japanese society, Saito said he was just glad to be back. "Foreign crime was on the rise down there, so we hope to be able to lead safety lives again." When told that Pink Lady were reuniting yet again this year, Saito burst into tears. "I saw their first 10 reunions, so there's a lot of catching up to do."

Matsumoto was described as aiding police in their investigations. "She poured drinks and tapped in the numbers on the karaoke machine for the customary afterwork party," said detective Hidenori "Buster" Fujii. "She is thinking of registering as a real estate agent in the area." Experts warned of a complacent attitude: "The projected decline in the Japanese population can be directly linked to sluts like Matsumoto," Aomori governor Kengo Kimura said after a grueling round of golf. Hidenori "Buster" Fujii intends to inspect more local muffs in the coming weeks. "Shit, half my school friends are on the abductee/tsuchinoko list," he said. "I hope to find them and many others living in the local lingerie. I even hear there's a NOVA branch running on the logo 'echimae ryugaku'. I'll get 'em" he winked.

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