Tokyo, January 4

Realizing that the chances of the Womble, as Crown Prince Naruhito is known around the palace elite, ever getting the chance to be in the same room as the Crown Princess Masako, let alone get naked, have dropped to nil, a government panel has decided to move forward with a plan that will allow Womble's only spawn, Princess Aiko, to sit on the Chrysanthemum throne.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Prince Akishino said that his older brother was an ugly mutt and was lucky to get a leg over once. When pressed for details the Prince mentioned that he had seen his brother naked on one lonely night and can fully appreciate the Crown Princess' assertion that he had all the sex appeal of a koala on Viagra.

The Princess, who has been mainlining the fertility drug XTC, has resisted all attempts by her handlers to favor the prince with her favors. As one palace official pointed out while having the shit beaten out of him by a dominatrix in Kabuki-cho, "We had her stripped, bound and unconscious, but when the Womble came in all hell broke loose. We know she's sensitive to his presence, but even under the 2.5 Nikka saline solution couldn't keep her out long enough.

Other royals, most notably the old buggers, called for the return of concubines in the royal system. Pointing out the obvious advantages of finding someone desperate enough to get naked with Womble-boy, they were quick to emphasize that it was their duty to maintain the tradition of male ascendancy by having sex with anything between the ages of 20 and 30.

Life for the Womble however, has proved most difficult with many royal watchers saying he has lost his "happy happy face," which was the only thing going for the fucker. His royal coddler pointed to the Prince's recent lack of vigor in the Regal Whackoff Chamber as his personal study is called.

Citing the irreconcilable issues between them, most notably that the Princess was drugged to the eyeballs for the six months leading up to their courtship, during the courtship and after the courtship, the Princess is said to be "fucking relieved." The Crown Princess in a rare moment of sobriety stated that she was disappointed that legislators "took their fucking time to realize the obvious," but that she was glad that further procreation would no longer be considered, or in her words "over my dead body."

Meanwhile, the gaeno… gaino… the sex doctor in charge of the Princess' daily insemination program expressed disappointment, but was glad to have the memories and a collection of videos documenting his procedures.

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