Tokyo, Today

Fat fuck does it again! Horie, the ugly bastard at the helm of a major start-up company that does indescribable shit (i.e. no one knows what they do), has ditched the fag boys at SMAP for a shot at some real husky anally violating fun courtesy Japan's criminal rehabilitation system.

"I'm excited about this," Horie told a news conference. "Not only did I spark off a mega market collapse that shit-canned the Tokyo Stock Exchange, but I'm looking out for some loving like I've never known before. I'm the fucking "A" and you're all my bitches!"

Horie, whose "beauty spot" is reputed to be a panda's penile wart purchased on the black market in 1998, has worked hard to give Japan a good damned rogering by screwing around with established businesses, shitting in the faces of more demonical rulers in the nation's plutocracy and generally promoting himself as "national cunt #1," since the early 1990s when he realized "Cuntishness maketh the mogul." A self-pleasuring ugly-assed pleasure bitch in this reporter's opinion.

However, podgie boy outdid himself this week by getting one of his senior management sluts to call the police and inform them of years of dodgy deals. Like the oncoming glacier it is the law enforcement community finally pulled themselves out of the local soap houses and lurched down the street to get the tubby alleged crim.

But the pressure showed behind the scenes late last week. "SMAP are a bunch of fucking pearl necklaced nancy boys," screamed Horie in an alleged executive meeting in the Kabuki-cho Whiplash club as molten wax dribbled down his chest. "When are those fucking yakuza bitches [technical term referring to police] gonna get on with it," referring to the anonymous notes he had been sending on company stationary to local officials regarding the company's illegal activities.

"It was hell during those months" explained senior management slut Karaoke-san. "He just wanted to be locked up and beaten with the hot rubber truncheon all night. He was minging his way around the office looking at everybody's plans to screw more money out of the general populace... And if it wasn't highly illegal he'd just bitch slap them and dare them to call the cops." Of course, most staff misinterpreted these random acts of violence as typical life in corporate Japan and failed to recognize the pleas of the fat bastard to be locked up.

This week however, the rotund ruler of Ribedoa succeeded in spades by successfully goading the police into investigating his alleged ongoing activities, decimating innumerable start-up stocks and bringing down the TSE by unleashing a wave panic-selling by talking shit on national TV and failing to address the illegalities.

In a car-park adjacent the Roppongi Hills office of the bastard's company, where the owner likes to go for a slash and an occasional scat ("Because I fucking can"), he celebrated with an almighty shitfest on the Mercedes owned by another management slut in the company. "I am the man. I am the fucking man. They can call me a cunt, but I AM THE FUCKING MAN. The Tokyo Stock Exchange is MY bitch."

Impatient for arrest, Horie briskly left the press conference to drive down to the local maximum security jail and demand entry into the infamous "D-block" where roid-pumping, ass-loving yakuza stand-over legend Terayaki "The Crazy Cunt with the Razor Blade and a Hard On" Tatami has broken in, or just plain broken every new arrival since February 2003.

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