Royal Host toothpicks, Mr Ozawa's toothpicks of choice.

Dugong-keeled RST cadet reporter Thomas Bottersfly has today confirmed that the seances involving disgraced architect Katsura Aneha and his thoroughly dead wife are "complete and utter bollocks."

Bottersfly, in his capacity as the rapish, no, rakish rottweiler of the RST reuter rubric found himself summoned by email to a nondescript residential address by Aneha, the tenement taxidermist whose sole hobby now is to gently push small fruit-scented erasers up his own anus.

Along with Bottersfly, also present at the residential netherworld convention were newly elected Democratic party chief Ichiro Ozawa and - somewhat peculiarly - a tarted-up mannequin supposed to represent Aneha's stark raving bonkers wife.

Bottersfly, whose hobbies include mending ceramic doilies and violently touching himself while seated inside bus shelters had this to say. "We were holding hands. In a circle. Seated at a table. The curtains were pulled. It was dark. It was extremely gay. I was just about to put my knob back inside my strides prior to taking my leave when an eerie voice echoed through the room."
"Ozawa-san" it said. "You need to vow to the Diet Assembly that your first act once elected as Japanese Prime Minister in September will be to arrange the towing of the entire nation of Germany across the... uhhh... Atlantic Ocean and down around... uh... the Cape of... Good Horn... to be affixed to the Japanese mainland." At this I stopped rubbing me old winklepecker against the fabric of my taut creamy rayon strides and resumed holding hands with Ozawa.

Ozawa glanced at Aneha. The once-busy architect was not holding hands with either me or Ozawa or even the garrish dolled-up mannequin. Instead he was avoiding all eye contact, leaning slightly back in his chair, legs crossed, looking studiously at a manga comic while unconvincingly attempting to feign disinterest in the Jnr High amputee rape scenes. The impenetrably black archipelago affixed to the top of his head was still... there.

Ozawa (whose hobbies include stealing toothpicks from Royal Host and barking at sleeping dogs when at the seaside) suddenly tersely barked out "Why Germany?"
At this, Aneha leapt out of his chair and began frantically fiddling with some clacking contraption under his chair.
He soon sat down again and the voice continued. "Two reasons. Number one: It will distract the general public from Yasukuni. Number two: This magnanimous show of national and international goodwill will provide a much-needed fillip to the ailing Japanese economy by creating jobs for the all-important construction industryyyyy. The raft or craft of whatever doing the towing doesn't have to last foreveeeer. Just long enough to get Germany to Japan. My husbands specialty is fashioning short-term living tenements therefore he shall be given the contraaaaact."

OK. This is fucking stupid. Did I just hear some sort of tape hiss?
Ozawa looked at Aneha. The disgraced building designer was now sweating reservoirs although, to his credit, the indian ink Basil Brush bollocks on his head was still immune to it's environ. Again, Aneha started dicking around with something under his chair.
The voice continued. "Ozawa san. With Germany you need to make joint war prep... I mean, reparations."
I pulled the tape recorder out from under Aneha's chair and put it on the table.
Aneha looked weakly at the offending device then sheepishly rubbed his hand against the back of his neck.
Ozawa looked blankly at the tape recorder. Then he smelled his hand and looked at me.
"You're both fuckwits. Fuck off."

Discuss