IT'S A GOD!

The world rejoiced today with the news that Princess Kiko, darling of the conservative classes, gave birth to the first living God in the world in 41 years. The God was delivered by Caesarian section at Tokyo's Aiiku Hospital at 8:27 a.m. this morning. Both Princess and God were said to be doing well.

Relief was felt around the country, since the birth followed years of barrenness forced upon the fair-minded Japanese people by a selfish Princess Masako who had steadfastly refused to perform her duty of supplying an heir to the world's oldest, and greatest, throne. Commoners and politicians alike expressed their joy that Princess Kiko had finally delivered the hopes of a nation.

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe greeted the news with words of praise for Prince Akishino and Princess Kiko and voiced hope that the God would grow up to visit Yasukuni Shrine, "unlike his spineless, duty-shirking Grandfather." Former Prime Minister Koizumi was woken from his mid-morning nap to hear the news over a few cups of sake. "Wonderful news," he hiccupped, before heading back to sleep. Taro Aso, Foreign Minister and proponent of reinstating the Yasukuni version of Shinto as the official state religion, started to speak effusively at a press conference before leaving abruptly to change his trousers for the third time today.

The mood in the streets was jubilant as Japanese citizens sang, danced and chanted "Fuck you China, we've got a God!" There was widespread relief that the succession debate was put to rest once and for all. "I just want all Japanese to think exactly the same way," said one Tokyoite, "no matter what it is." "The birth means no one can complain anymore about some perceived inequality in the law," said another, "as there obviously is none. Not now anyway." One young career woman said "I feel sorry for Princess Masako..." before being dismembered by a group of carolling obasans.

World leaders sent messages of congratulation to the Prince and Princess at the hospital. The Emperor of Japan delivered a note via messenger reading "Congratulations to His Imperial Highness and Her Imperial Highness on the birth of His Imperial Highness." The Crown Prince also sent a message reading "We congratulate His and Her Imperial Highnessess on the birth of His Imperial Highness and hope that all Their Imperial Highnessessess are recovering well."

The successful birth of the God guarantees the future of the oldest, and greatest, monarchy in the world, and silences any dangerous communist talk of allowing a female to ascend the throne and have sex with foreigners. It also gives Prince Naruhito his last chance at divorcing his lunatic wife and taking a newer, fecunder model.



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