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Sydney 2 Hours Ago
New Zealand has been reported mussing by the pilots of Air New Zealand flight 947. The pilots
returned their jet to Sydney's Sir Walter Burley Kingsford Smith Airport at around 2 p.m. having
failed to locate the desolate archipelago. The flight, due to ferry 250 hopeful locals to the Australian
mainland, was empty apart from pilots and crew. Subsequent satellite photographs have since
confirmed the lack of a New Zealand in the southwestern Pacific.
"Ut just wasn't theea," said captain Jeremy Frogmouth. Added co pilot Fred "Hacker" Bartlett,
"Ut's a but of a shut." Their bimonthly haul is Air New Zealand's only regularly scheduled flight.
The last journey was in early September when "iverythung appeared to be normal" according to
an Air New Zealand spokesman. Australian government officials have derided this claim as
"ludicrous". Foreign Minister Alexander Downer, between bottles of Unwooded Chardonnay,
said "how can we take anything this company says seriously if they make these ridiculous claims
of normalcy for their country. It'll probably show up sooner or later, if at all."
The fate of the small, isolated nation has yet to be determined though terrorism has been ruled
out on logical grounds. Early speculation holds that New Zealand was not really all there to begin
with, so this is hardly a major change. One theory making inroads on the internet states simply
"Who cares?" Red Astaire, tap dancing fire fighter and expert on nation disappearance suggested
that New Zealand had simply "sunk into its own insignificance." Plans to dispatch a reconnaisance
plane to locate the minor rocky outcrop have been called off due to good weather.
George W Bush announced that several hundred dollars of aid was already "on its way to Concord."
Tony W Blair vowed in a statement to say "exactly what Bush says". John W Howard was unavailable
for comment, but junior press secretary Tyffanee Smythe-Bong said the Prime Minister was
"perturbed by the sheep shaggers, and had been for a long time."
Meanwhile Australians breathed a collective sigh of relief. "If I hear some fucking kiwi cunt talk
about 'New Zooland' again, I'm going to shove a sheep up his arse and send pack of heelers in
after it." said Ian George, Archbishop of Adelaide, the city of churches, renowned for its Mediterranean
climate and nearby wine fields. Plans to erect a small memorial in an out of the way town somewhere
in the outback have been abandoned after Australians voted against the A$5.00 plan by a margin of
20,210,330 to 0.
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