Tokyo Today

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi has issued a stern warning to North Korea not to attempt to abduct Charles Jenkins again. Jenkins, recently dismissed from a long suffering career with the US army has returned to his hometown of Sado with Japanese wife Hitomi Soga, and their two daughters. There are concerns that the close proximity of the island to North Korea might tempt the isolationist state to abduct Jenkins again.

"We will tolerate no more abductions of Mr. Jenkins," growled the diminutive premier, chrysanthemum attached to his lapel. "They will face the full consequences of their actions should they attempt any contact with the peace loving Jenkins and his family."

The Prime Minister went on to explain how Jenkins was abducted in 1979 and forced to live in North Korea against his will for the next 25 years. Japan pursued his case with determination, Mr. Koizumi explained, and finally Jenkins was able to return to Japan after a chartered round the world trip. "Visibly shaken from his ordeal, Jenkins spent the next few months in the care of professional nurses," Koizumi winked, "and is now fit enough to return home".

Jenkins was delighted to see the island of his birth again, and wept as emotion overcame him. He will settle down with a monthly stipend of 300,000 yen from the Japanese government. "I hope to rebuild my life with my wife and two daughters," Jenkins told a group of reporters. The daughters, named Fuckshesugly and Youaintseenthisoneyet, North Korean for "blessed dawn" and "gentle flower", have been given scholarships to Niigata University in the hope of instilling a sense of patriotism into them.

Asked by a reporter whether he could follow up on his strong words, Koizumi, in a rare fit of rage roared, "I'm this fucking close to changing the constitution, fuck sucker, then we'll have army, air force, navy and a god as emperor! Try and fucking stop me then!" The Jenkinses ate ramen for dinner, with a side helping of octopus and tree bark, a local specialty.

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