Today 4 p.m.

Prime Minister Koizumi has pledged $500 million dollars in aid in the wake of the recent tsunami that devastated much of Asia, and even caused deaths as far away as Africa. Announcing his pledge, Koizumi, dressed in full Samurai armour said, "As the leader of Asia, as opposed to China which is IN Asia, but not a leader, unlike Japan which is in Asia, but not a part of it, but is definitely its leader, it is our responsibility to help these gooks back on their feet and making our goods again. As we know from past experience, your Asian tends to be a lazy good for nothing, and will use any old excuse to take the arvo off, in this case a cry of 'Surf's Up!'. We can't let them off the hook this time, so we're sending in the troops."

Mr. Koizumi was referring to a thousand man strong contingent from Japan's Self Defence Forces, which was headed to Thailand to get "the lazy buggers off the beach and back to work". Pledges pouring in from countries around the world have made this the most lucrative natural disaster ever, especially for organisations running on a "non profit" basis. World Vision workers swarmed on the area with jars of flies looking for photo opportunities.

Asked how the $500 million would be allocated, Koizumi responded that a nominal $400 million would go towards the new Tojo wing of Yasukuni Shrine, with the other money absorbed by "sundry expenses". The Prime Minister then mimicked a balancing act as if on a surfboard and walked off muttering "fucking useless beachcombing dark skinned monkey faced lazy surfaholic Vietnamese cunts".

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