Some Time Ago

Prime Minister Koizumi Friday apologised for Japan's aggression in World War 2 to a forum of international leaders in Jakarta, Indonesia. "With heartfelt remorse and deepest regret, I apologise for Japan's involvement in losing the war," Koizumi announced to the assembled leaders, many from countries affected most by Japan's tragic loss. "Japan's actions during its occupation have left a hole in the hearts of many of our subjects," continued Koizumi, sporting round black spectacles. "It is regretable that we were forced to withdraw by the sneaky and underhand tactics of the white man."

While it is rare for a Japanese prime minister to be so kind as to apologise to the people of Asia, the wording of General Koizumi's apology is a standard form initially used by Prime Minister Murayama, and has been used by subsequent leaders to express the regret felt by Japan at having to abandon its Asian subjects in their hour of need. Koizumi's apology marks the first time a prime minister has taken the respectful step of wearing a full samurai kamishimo and unsheathing his katana to behead ten Korean traitors on stage.

The move is widely seen as an overture by Koizumi to revise textbooks in China, which often falsely portray Japan in a negative light, and to gain widespread approval for his regular visits to Yasukuni Shrine. Japan's proposed takeover of the UN Security Council may also have influenced the unusual move. Both China and the United States have expressed concern about being able to keep up with the superior mental powers of the Japanese, as well as plain old jealousy over their longer intestines. The Prime Minister's fatherly comments were generally accepted as an attempt to reassure inferior nations that Japan would once again rid Asia of the white peril.

The Prime Minister then led the cheering crowd in a rousing chorus of "Tenno Heika Banzai!" and announced the return of conscription. Asked later by a Chinese journalist whether Japan once again has plans to invade Asia, Koizumi stabbed the man and several bystanders to death with his wakizashi bellowing "Your nuclear weapons won't stand a chance once we blow you shina monkeys to the moon and back!!" On his triunphant return to Japan Koizumi grinned "We won't lose next time."

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