Pyongyang, Yesterday

North Korea's Central News Agency has announced that Kim Jong Il, secretary of the Workers Party of North Korea, is "tall and handsome." The state-run news agency also mentioned that the Dear Leader was a mathematical genius, wrote all of Shakespeare's plays, and was "quite a number with the ladies."

Kim Jong Il, currently on a tour of China in his 20-odd caboose private train, is notoriously reclusive, allowing only brief glimpses into his life via his country's official newspapers and television broadcasts. The latest information on the dictator was typically slim on evidence, but allows for the outside world to perceive Kim through his nation's eyes.

Amongst other claims made by the agency:
Kim Jong Il was the first man on the moon
Kim Jong Il personally built the Great Wall of China
Kim Jong Il possesses more than one of those little worker's suits he gets around in
Kim Jong Il repelled an entire batallion of U.S. forces during the Korean War single-handedly
Kim Jong Il is referred to as "Saviour" and"Messiah" by a majority of countries
Kim Jong Il helped a little boy find his puppy dog on the way home from building shelters for the homeless yesterday
Kim Jong Il holds Olympic gold medals in sprinting, hurdling, swimming, wrestling and "shining"
Kim Jong Il is hung like a Blue Whale

Discuss