Seoul, today

North Korea has nuclear weapons and is prepared to use them against the United States, according to the communist regime's Foreign Ministry. A spokesman warned the U.S. to cooperate on the recognition of North Korea as a nuclear state, the Central News Agency reported. The isolationist country first declared its nuclear arsenal last year, although some still doubt the veracity of the claims.

In other reports from the government-run Central News Agency, gramophones are booming in the capital, Pyongyang, with three families reported to be enjoying the luxury of listening to patriotic songs in the comfort of their own homes. Several government departments are soon to receive Bell Telephones in order to facilitate high speed information transfer through the modern voice transmitters. The telephones will be installed at a rate of one per department over the next few years. Dear Leader Kim Jong Il's 20-odd caboose private train may soon be retiring its steam locomotive, as scientists work frantically on a high tech "diesel" engine capable of speeds in excess of 30 kph. And manual hoes are to be issued at the rate of one per village, in a supreme gesture of generosity by the People's Assembly. The hoes are expected to put North Korea in an agriculturally unassaible lead, compared with enemies Japan and America.

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