East Asia, recently

Japanese and South Korean television stars are being killed off at a ferocious rate, as studios compete viciously for the lucrative weepy market in increasingly soppy and morbid melodramas. Japan, long a champion of bloodless hospital deaths as a cheap way to move their audience to tears and more, has found itself facing stiff competition from the equally bereft-of-ideas studios of Korea. Estimates have put the death of beautiful females in such dramas at one per series, the "one" invariably being the star. At these levels, both countries will find themselves with a dearth of leading ladies to fill the ever-increasing demand for tragically beautiful cancer victims.

A long tradition exists for using a pretty girl facing death in movies and television series, and understandably so. It's hard to criticise any form of media that purports to bring attention to the plight of disease sufferers, not to mention that the story is easy to plagiarise while appearing fresh with each new face. It also draws viewers back each week to a series, desperate not to miss the last moments on earth of their beloved idol.

"Anyone loves to watch a beautiful girl dying slowly, week after week after week," snivelled cancer drama fan Masanobu Hirano. "I know I do. They look so vulnerable lying there in their white hospital robes. You kind of want to give them a sponge bath."
Added self-confessed leukemia fetishist Hideaki Ban:
"Brain tumors and the like are a waste of a nubile young body. Much better to see them waste away slowly with the white blood thing, send them to Australia, make them faint a few times, then have a good solid wank as they die in hospital. Then you've really got your money's worth."
Dead heroine scrapbooker Masumi Kawano confessed to practicing her own death from cancer many times:
"It's the coolest way to die. These stars have really sacrificed themselves in a good cause. At least I know that when I get cancer, preferably leukemia so I look fabulous to the end and don't have to have bits chopped off me, my family and friends will all forgive me everything and the coolest boy in school will want to go out with me. Thank you TV!"

However, the rate at which Japanese and Korean studios have been killing their young starlets has led some activists to take a stance. Actors Union officials have recently lodged complaints with studios for killing their members for the sake of ratings:
"Enough is enough," Kazunobu Hakamada protested weakly. "Look, I get as much of a sexual thrill out of watching these stunning young girls swoon in bed and yearn for a bit of earthly comfort before they die as the next healthy male, but where will we get our union dues if all these fragile, precious, sexually enticing adolescent beauties keep dying?"

Despite the occasional voice of dissent, the forecast for East Asian drama is more deaths by cancer, more boyfriends desperately clinging to their disease-weakened yet still fuckable girls, more soppy, tear-jerking, plotless drivel, and more white-clad angels drifting off into nothing as men toss off and women plan their own death scene in their heads. But perhaps the last word should go to scriptwriter and producer Ryo Hibikino when asked how he felt about continually killing off the nation's most beautiful starlets in his dramas:
"It brings a tear to my dick."

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