Canberra, today

Debate in Parliament heated up this week as politicians jostled for the position of best mate to dead man Steve Irwin. Irwin died on Monday after being stabbed through the heart by a stingray barb in a diving accident that shocked the world. The famed "Crocodile Hunter" was believed to be immortal by his many fans, seen regularly on TV wrestling the giant man eaters and dodging poisonous snakes. His death sparked a public outpouring of grief and support, especially from Australia's politicians.

"Ah yes," mused Foreign Minister Alexahnder Downer. "I recall sipping many an unwooded chardonnay with Stefan as we discussed Bartok over a dozen freshly shucked oysters. The culture, the parlance, the je ne sais quoi..."
"Bullshit," countered Leader of the Opposition, Kim Beazley. "We were at school together. I was like a big brother to him. I'll never forget when we snuck a croc into the head master's office and left it there. Bloody hell, there we were, just a couple of true blue, dinki di, little Aussie battlers, and now this. I'm flabbergasted."
"This tragedy has hit us all hard," said Prime Minister John Howard, "and none more so than me, the father he never had. When I found little Steve in the rushes by a crocodile infested river, I treated him like my own son. Thank God he wasn't aboriginal or muslim. I taught Steve the Australian way and what it means to be a true mate. My heart goes out to his other family."
"Father my arse," roared Beazley. "I was the mother he never had. Breastfed that poor little blighter after his mum was taken by a 30 metre croc somewhere up north. Nourished the larrikin until he became the man he is today. Or was, sorry."

Meanwhile, Irwin appeared to remain dead despite the common belief that stingrays don't kill people. CNN America paid a tribute to Paul Hogan on their evening news while the BBC aired a special entitled "Those Humourous Colonials". Queensland's crocodiles were heard to breathe a sigh of relief.

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