Manila, December 7

A Japanese Imperial Army soldier has emerged from sixty years in hiding in a Philippine internet cafe. The soldier, believed to be Lieutenant Shoichi Onoda, had evaded authorities for decades while posting gormlessly on internet forums and "checking his email". Onoda, 93, appeared to be in good health and untroubled by the bill for 215,000,000 pesos (USD 4,000,000) handed to him as he left. Japanese consular officials escorted the soldier to a debriefing session and audience with the emperor.

Despite Japan's formal surrender to the allies in late 1945, several soldiers continued to fight in remote areas of Asia, news of the capitulation failing to reach them. It is believed Onoda sauntered into the cafe in a local disguise with a view to sabotaging the enemy's nerve centre, but became addicted to blogs, forums and internet news sites. He stayed for decades, resisting staff attempts to collect the bill. In reply to insistance that he pay for drinks, Onoda invariably answered that his family would pay "later".

The soldier initially refused to accept that his country had surrendered, despite being in regular email contact with members of his family. He apparently believed the internet to be a hoax designed to trick him into surrendering prematurely, even blocking his own father's email address when the parent begged him to give up. In spite of his stubborn resistance, Onoda couldn't stop himself posting endlessly on internet forums and making penfriends from around the world, to "gather counter intelligence".

It was the lure of faster internet connections that finally convinced the knarly Onoda back to his country of birth:
"Get me that optical fiber!" he croaked at workers as he was escorted out, jabbing at them weakly with his rusted bayonet.

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