Washington, today

The unthinkable has happened, according to rumors in the capital: Barbara Bush has gotten uglier. Sources close to the inner conclave of the Bush dynasty have reported that the podgy former First Lady has outdone herself and achieved what many thought was the unachievable, becoming even more grotesque than before.

Known as the worst looking First Lady since mad President Martin Van Buren married his prize bull Judith and inducted it to the White House, Barbara Bush mimicked husband George Bush's uninfluential term in office by failing to inspire an entire generation of American women, despite a successful run in wrinkly sitcom "The Golden Girls". Sporting frumpy dresses and wearing her trademark blue rinsed tumbleweed hairdo, Bush decided to make a name for herself by speaking out in favor of slavery, lynching, adoration of her husband and sons, and advocating a no-tolerance policy on poor black families.

It was widely assumed that the hook-nosed beady-eyed hag had already stretched the boundaries of human hideousness to their natural limit, however reports suggest that this conclusion was premature and reckless. Notable Washington royal watcher Larry Leerenbaum pointed out that while pundits had assumed Bush would soften somewhat in her dotage, the opposite has in fact happened.
"Folks kinda hoped that Barbara would mellow into a nice old woman, a sorta doyenne of political wives, but she just keeps trowelling that ugly on as if it were foundation."

Bush, due to turn 170 next June, married George Bush senior in 1945 at the age of 109. She begat six children, one of whom is widely believed to be the 43rd President of the United States, an allegation yet to be denied or confirmed.

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