Sydney, currently

Ecofascist Greenpeace ships are disrupting Japan's scientific expedition to investigate whale populations and flavours in the Southern Ocean this week. The Japanese fleet has been held up numerous times by annoying middle class white boys and girls drawn from America's tofu-hugging femino-Marxist underbelly on some self-appointed mission to save the world.

Japan's whaling fleet is seeking to take several whale specimens under IWC scientific auspices for further testing in the laboratories and kitchens of the homeland. Performing the Emperor's work, the brave men face icy seas, foreign climates, and now a bunch of dolphin-fucking bull-dyke vego-anarchists on some holier-than-thou daddy-funded junket aimed at disrespecting the Japanese tradition of harvesting cetaceans as part of their culture and diet.

Greenpeace spokesperson, Peter Spencer, a typical enviropoof, claimed "whales are beautiful creatures. We will never give up preventing countries like Japan from murdering these cute gentlepersons of the sea." while swaying hypnotically to the sound of whalesong. In reply, weather-hardened Takeru Kutsukake, captain of the Japanese fleet, jaw jutting out defiantly against wind and foe, gruffed "Hungry. Will eat whale. Fuck off." as he tucked into a choice cut of fresh baby humpback.

The battle looks set to continue on the high seas until the whale quota is reached and Greenpeace envirogeeks go chain themselves to some endangered species of carrot cake or Mommy calls them home for soy milk and gluten-free rusks.

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