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New Mexico, today
McDonalds Corporation might soon find itself in court again if New Mexico citizen Jay Hazzlebrook
has his way. Hazzlebrook is suing the giant multinational company for the whopping sum of 38
million dollars. Lawyers representing the 23 year old unemployed man say that their client has
suffered "untold psychological hardship and suffering" at the hands of "uncaring corporate America
at its worst". The lawsuit cites over forty breaches of Mr. Hazzlebrook's rights by the company.
At the top of the list: failure to provide a reason to sue you guys.
Hazzlebrook's history of eating at McDonalds goes back to his childhood. Family lunches,
friends' birthday parties, hurried drivethrus on the way to sports practice; these were all
as much a part of Hazzlebrook's life as of any kid in America. So what went wrong? It seems
Hazzlebrook became increasingly disgruntled with the massive payouts the corporate giant
was making to claimants on a regular basis.
"I tried pouring coffee on my pants, microwaving my cat at the store, sitting in the smoking
section for weeks on end, eating nothing but McDonalds for a month to get fat, I even looked
for a finger in my burgers for years but nothing turned up. Then we hit on the idea of suing
them for an inability to sue them."
McDonalds spokesman Greg Prusco dismissed the suit as ridiculous.
"We are under no obligation to provide Mr. Hazzlebrook, or anyone else, with a valid reason to
sue us. We'll fight this frivolous lawsuit down to three or four million dollars and then end up
paying him off in a settlement."
Hazzlebrook's lawyers, however, were standing by their original amount.
"We won't take a penny less," Brian Dorfman said. "McDonalds is trying to close down the man
on the street. Pretty soon it will be that the average American can't lock his own kid in the toilet
at one of these faceless fast food factories and sue for mental distress."
Dorfman is also independently representing several other clients in lawsuits against McDonalds:
Willie Pepperton of Los Angeles is suing for the lack of a drive thru facility for wheelchairs,
Helga Greenbaum of Balitmore is suing for an unpleasant, "fast food-like" aroma in the stores,
Wilhemina Sanchez of Arizona is suing for three unreceived smiles,
and John Nugent of New York is suing because the apple pie "doesn't even look like a fucking pie".
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