Washington, yesterday

US President George Bush is looking for the next thing to declare war on, according to sources close to the White House. Bush has been leading America in the war against terror for several years now, and is apparently ready to move on to a new project.
"The President feels that the war on terror is largely won," White House spokesman Lenny Liebovitz said, "and that leaves us with a gap to be filled by something else that requires the US to lead a war on."

Liebovitz denied that the President was trying to divert attention away from a growing feeling that the war on terror has failed to achieve anything positive, leaving two countries in civil war, destabilizing an entire region, and apparently trying to match the 9/11 death toll in homegrown casualties in Iraq.
"That's ridiculous," Liebovitz said. "Victory was declared in Iraq in 2003, when the President himself flew in a fighter plane onto the aircraft carrier in that gulf place. I remember that clearly because it was on TV. Hey, you can't play God with the facts. Besides which, the President is already making a list."

The Rising Sun-Times has secured a copy of the list George Bush is working on, printed here verbatim:

War on fear (good, JFK used that "fear not what your country..." thing)
War on scaryness (not bad, not sure where that leaves Mom)
War on bad guys (nice and unclear, probably includes Democrats)
War on war (good use of repeating, ask Rummy later if it means anything)
War on country's beginning with 'Eye' (Eyeraq - done, Eyeran - next, Eyetalians - shit that'll never work)
War on drugs (great, noone's never thought of that before neither)
War on ingriginators (sounds good, so good you'd think I made it up)
War on literasy (not sure who we take out on that one)
War on WMD (didn't work last time, or did it? maybe it did. Oh, here's Mom with afternoon tea. "Put your breasts away, Mom. OK just a little squeeze of milk.")

Discuss