New York, Wednesday

Failing to force Japan's hand with half-hearted diplomacy and trade threats, the U.S. has embarked upon a new plan to re-open the market.
"We put these fuckers at economic gun point and they still didn't blink," laments one economist who begged, and paid for, anonymity. "When we told them we were going to ban their fucking cars, they just laughed their compact little asses off. Then the jibes came out. 'What are you going to sell them?' one guy told me, 'GM? Ford? Daewoo? ' and just kept right on laughing. Man that shit sucks."

The delegation had been left with just two options: tactical nuclear strikes or conventional invasion. A chief strategist noted the difficulties of both options. "Well it's a bit tough to launch a nuclear phalanx against a nation with no military, and invasion just pisses off the locals, so we really thought we were fucked. Either way, no beef sales."
However, earlier this week a marketing executive from the Happy Pussy advertising group in New York came up with a revolutionary plan to break open the market.

Working tirelessly for two hours and 10 minutes with only four cigarette breaks, Happy Pussy marketing guru, Swami Eat Me, had developed a plan to convert raw horse shit into turd logs and have the resulting product renamed BeefyTM. "Beef is just a fucking name" says Eat Me, "After registering the name and sorting out the details for packing horse crap into a plastic bag, we had the product ready."

Eat Me is very quick to point out that while a bit tangier than regular beef, BeefyTM, has the advantage of complying with the new Japanese beef rules. "No fucking beef content, no fucking cow parts, no fucking possibility of violating the rules. And at a processing cost of 8 cents per 10 kilograms, we're going to be fucking rolling in it - not in horse shit of course (haha)."

Japanese delegation officials have applauded the proposal for its ingenuity and the deposits discovered in their private Swiss Bank accounts. "We are indeed grateful that the Americans came up with the perfect solution to avoid infecting out people with foreign BSE. The beef mistakes from the past, not to mention the sneak nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, prove that our American allies should not be trusted with beef. Horse shit is perfect. Americans are great when dealing out horse shit."

The plan is of such astounding simplicity and brilliance that even the French, whose own marketing elite managed to convince Japan that Beaujolais Nouveau was wine, applauded the move and have stepped into negotiations to help market BeefyTM with Beaujolais Nouveau next season. "The consumer will get the perfect match in quality." Some fermented biomass that is drinkable, with some fermented biomass that is edible.

When pointed out that there are a number of dangerous health issues related to the consumption of horse shit, officials from both sides told reporters to go and fuck themselves.

Imports of BeefyTM are expected to begin as early as April.

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