British Empire, recently

The British Empire Games, or British Empire Games as they are commonly known, is one of the finest sporting traditions on the globe. Since time immemorial, hundreds of athletes from 7 or so countries have competed for medals in the most gruelling of athletic pursuits, including lawn bowls and horse grooming. This year's Empire Games was held in the colonial goldrush town of Melbourne, Australia. Thousands of subjects turned out to cheer Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II as she sped in her gold Rolls Royce past the stadium on opening day. Records fell and athletes excelled at this year's Empire Games, with Great Britain once again cleaning up in a majority of sports. The glory of the British Empire is indeed alive, and the Empire Games simply refuses to decline silently into anonymous redundancy.

Here are some highlights from this year's exciting Games:

Running
4x108.5432892 feet relay
Lord Halbury Spriggins Smythe, Earl St. John Pratchett Peskingsham, Baron Whistleberry Sprockbollocks Prudletwat and Rev. John Thomas Busslewood Thistlethwaite GB
(20 minutes and a cup of tea.)

Swimming
Sidestroke with monocle
Roger Peeblesham Dunglecock GB

Shooting
Princess Beuthaniel Saxe Dusseldorf von Mozart GB
(19 Aborigines)

Splocking
Earl Taddlesprog GB
(4)

Colonial Dash
Bruce from Sydney Aus
(3 furhlonghs)

Elephant Polo
Prince Viktor Siegfried Hans Hamburg Gottsweilen Schweinensgeshaft GB
4 billion goals

Tug of War
Prime Minister's 15 (GB) vs. Bruce from Sydney (Aus)
Prime Minister's 15 GB

Best French Accent
Earl Springlebock Cummingsham GB
("ow you say" routine)

Comic Song
George Pluck and Fred Tuckles GB
Gendarmes Duet

Pith Helmet Toss
Ricard du Osurier GB
(31)

Tiger wrestling
Lord Buchannan III GB
(2 rugs)

Conkers
Smythingham Smiggins Striglamsbot Poncenby GB
(3)

Rugger
Prime Minsters 83 (GB) vs Bruce from Sydney (Aus)
GB 9 tries and a round of gins and tonic.

Sprlacking
Prince Elfred Himmelsberg Gestunsfunder Reinheitsgobot GB
(7)

Speaking to Foreigners
Alf 'the horn' Finckleston GB
(480 decibels)

Discuss