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NASA, Saturday
Ivan Ivanovich, feeble inebriate and leftover from the Soviet Mir era, has finally been jettisoned
from the Internation Space Station. Ivanovich, a 20 year veteran of space station life was
transferred from an ailing Mir to the new ISS in 2001, just before the aging satellite crashed
to earth. While aboard Mir, Ivanovich developed an addiction to paint thinner which gradually
ate away his brain, leaving the 49 year old cosmonaut incapable of language beyond primeval
grunts and incomprehensible, wild gestures.
The decision to dispose of Mr. Ivanovich came last week when he was seen catwalking on one of
the starboard solar arrays without a space suit. Deemed incapable of performing his duties, a
debate ensued whether to bring Ivanovich home or jettison the porous-boned imbecile into the
cosmos he so loved.
"It was difficult decision," said Yuri Gregorovitch, another veteran of the ISS, "but in the end we
had to do best thing for Ivan."
Speaking via the space station's two way radio, Gregorovitch recalled their last night together:
"Ivan was sitting in cockpit with maniacal grin, sniffing away at his thinner, pushing this button and
that button, turning steering wheel and making brm brm sounds. We have child lock of course so
no problem. Then we eat small meal of mineral blocks and wodka. After, we pour Ivan into space
suit, salute Soviet flag and put him into disposal hatch. Sergei and I sing Russian dirge together
while watching Ivan spin off into space. This was end that Ivanovich would want."
Ham radio operators can listen in to Ivanovich's mumbles and musical gurgles for the next few
days before he disappears into the void forever.
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