NASA, Wednesday

Ivan Ivanovich, the near brain dead Russian cosmonaut released from the International Space Station last month on a mission to die, is still alive according to reports from NASA. Ivanovich was jettisoned from the space station after it was found he was incapable of performing his duties and too feeble-bodied to return to earth. He was set up with a flagon of paint thinner and a borscht sandwich and instructed to "spin off gently into space, communicate via radio from time to time, and die gallantly like a Russian".

Performing well beyond expectations, Ivanovich has so far survived several weeks in the void. Ham radio operators have been able to pick up his gibberish in several countries, including Japan.
"I could hear him gurgling," said one bright youngster from Hokkaido.
"He was definitely singing 'Staying Alive' by the BeeGees," added Tsukuba University post graduate astronomy student Shinya Kenbishi. "He was pretty good too!"

NASA's Cassini probe today picked up images of Ivanovich taking a well-earned break on one of Saturn's outer rings.
"He was just lying back and taking a breather," spokesman Bud Irving said. "He looked pretty pooped, actually."

Ivanovich is expected to continue his intoxicated journey of the cosmos, passing Uranus, Neptune and Pluto in the coming months. Just how long the weak-bodied cosmonaut can survive is a matter of speculation.
"It's going to get pretty cold out there," Irving cautioned. "And if he doesn't put his helmet back on pretty soon he's going to run out of oxygen. In space, that's what we like to call a no-no."

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