NASA, Today

Scientists at NASA are red-faced tonight with the revelation that the previously hailed "10th planet" was in fact a big fat JET bitch bounding around the foothills of Hyogo prefecture in leggings and a cable-knit sweater. Announced in July 2005, 2003 UB313, as it is officially named, had become a leading candidate for the title of "10th planet" under the nickname of "Xena". However, on closer examination of the photos, scientists identified the enormous rotund object as Debra Parr, a JET Programme teacher in the remote Ibo district of Hyogo, lumbering felicitously after a few too many of the local sakes through a local park during a school picnic.

While not exactly planetary size, Debra, weighing in at a conspicuous 157 kilograms, has variously been described as "fat", "huge, "enourmous", "gravitational" and "worthy of designation as a solar system phenomenon" by her colleagues. Her diminuitive height has also contributed to misunderstandings. With only 150 centimetres to her name, the beach ball look-alike has been mistaken for a blimp, a hot air balloon, and, not surprisingly, a beach ball itself.
"It's unfortunate we didn't pick up on the fact that this giant sphere was in fact an overweight JET bitch," said Mike Brown, joint "discoverer" of Xena, "but when you get English teachers gallavanting round like humungous balls of gaseous matter, then someone's going to pick it up on their telescope and call it a planet."

NASA has meanwhile offered some advice for the Japanese government:
"We're not suggesting they give up their English teaching facade altogether," spokesmean Rod Luger said, "that's their constitutional right, no matter how useless. Just that they limit their intake to women of a size that won't interfere with the natural gravity of the universe, and won't keep showing up on the Hubble telescope's images in the guise of moons, planets, and other inter-stellar detritus. Debra may well be a sight her parents and students treasure, but for us she's holding up the entire progress of scientific discovery, with the gargantuan, sun-eclipsing monumentousity of her massiveness. It's just unwelcome in a really fat, JET bitch way."

Discuss