December

Ailing roly-poly Akebono is set to fight perennially unpopular gaijin Uncle Sam Thane Camus in the New Years Eve K-1 Dynamite special. Akebono, with 7 losses and 1 dubious win against aging Karate Queen Kakuda Nobuaki will be seeking to justify his paycheck as he lumbers painfully into the ring yet again, burdened by some 200 kilograms of spare tyre wobbling aimlessly around his blubbery waist. Camus, sacked from every TV show in the country, will make his K-1 debut, and is confident of a victory.
"Sure, Akebono was a Yokozuna, but who's lower than the fatman now?" said Camus, little realising that his lengthy career as gaijin clown and punching bag has earned him the reputation of shit-eater second to none in the entertainment industry.

Akebono was quick to hit back at the scrawny Camus.
"I'll grind him up like a white peppercorn," said the former Sumo great. "He won't get near me." Things haven't been looking good for either foreigner in Japan this year. Akebono has struggled into the ring eight times so far in his kickboxing career, and four times he has been knocked down to the canvas without so much as a "how's your father", causing tidal waves of sweat and unfurled body fat to engulf unsuspecting audiences. Camus, once an annoyingly regular gaijin talento on TV screens, with a repuation for mercilessly landing other foreigners in the crap, has priced himself out of the market by going independent and demanding respect, much to the amusement of television stations who have refused to hire the irritating little prick.

Odds appear to favouring the lugubrious Akebono at this stage, with Camus a favourite to take a knockout in the second round, providing the giant Hawaiian can lift his puny arms above his precocious torsal expanse.
Whatever happens in Osaka on Saturday, December 31st, viewers can be sure that it will be as boring as a day in the life of an elephant at Ueno zoo.

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