Lausanne, Saturday

Ex-IOC president Juan Antonio Samaranch has announced he is now accepting bribes for future Olympic games. Samaranch, 85, is Honorary President for Life of the International Olympic Committee, and rumored to control the puppet president installed after his "resignation" in 2001. Hence, bribes to Samaranch can be seen as having a direct influence upon committee decisions regarding future host cities.

While the Olympic games have been decided up to London in 2012, Samaranch's office will accept bribes for Olympic Summer Games 2016-2032 and Olympic Winter Games 2014-2030. Suggested bribes include cash donations of $10 million for a Summer Games and $5 million for a Winter Games, luxurious houses in France, the U.S., Spain or the U.K., sex tours of Thailand or Burma, and direct deliveries of 500kg of gold or up.

Samaranch, born into a filthy rich Spanish family, has made the accumulation of wealth his life's mission. As president of the IOC, Samaranch is said to have amassed a fortune of some 30 trilion dollars, making him worth more than the entire United States economy, a moot point since the Spaniard owns both Americas excluding the frozen, debt-laden, northern bumfuck province of Canada.

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