Turin, Today

Japan's Olympic athletes yet again came tantalizingly close to capturing gold medals at the Winter Games. Eminently fuckable Tomomi Okazaki came fourth in her 500-meter speed skating event. Hers was the best result for Japan, with three other skaters finishing off the pace. A day earlier, the men's speed skating team also came tantalizingly close to capturing a gold medal with world record holder Joji Kato finishing sixth. So far, all of Japan's skiers, snowboarders and skaters have come tantalizingly close to winning a gold medal.

With the figure skating, at which Japan is widely tipped to bring home all medals, getting under way soon, the Japan Olympic Committee's decision to charter an extra long-haul aircraft to bring back the medals will be justified.
"With Japan just so unbelievably good, it would be impossible to expect the athletes to lug suitcases full of medals home by themselves. We have the plane waiting on the tarmac at Turin airport with the slogan 'GOLD GOLD GOLD' emblazoned on the side," said delegation head Kenichi Chizuka. "We've also planned a ticker tape parade, an audience with the Prime Minister, and special 'Nationalism Prizes' from the Emperor for all the athletes, on account of them all winning gold medals."

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