Turin, Today

Japan was almost assured of a gold medal in the women's figure skating, the Japan Olympic Committee announced today.
"We've done everything right," a spokesman said. "We've paid off everyone we can think of, including the French judge, and the medal's as good as in the bag."

Japan is currently making its worst performance ever at the winter games, with not a single medal in the shopping cart. Despite coming tantalizingly close in every event, the athletes have failed to secure the medals they were widely expected to bring home. Discontented fans have had little joy as they stay up, night after night, waiting for the success they were promised before the games began.
"The athletes aren't trying hard enough," said one fan. "If they were trying hard enough they'd be winning. It's that simple."
"We were promised gold, and if there's no gold for Japan, what's the bloody point in having these so-called Winter Olympics?" questioned another.

However, fans are about to have a pleasant surprise, according to the JOC. The women's figure skating, due to get underway tonight, will finally justify all the bribery and Swiss bank account fund transfers going on behind the scenes.
"We can't be sure about the French judges though," the spokesman added, suddenly looking worried. "They often act against our orders for some reason. Shit, you'd think they had some kind of pumped up artificial national pride or something."

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