The whole world, Tuesday

Six Japanese commentators for the World Baseball Classic have been confirmed dead following Japan's victory over Cuba in the final match at San Diego's Petco Park. In one of the biggest sporting triumphs for Japan since Shizuka Arakawa won the Winter Olympic Figure Skating gold medal, commentators were falling like flies as they called the game, considered one of the most exciting of the inaugural event. As Japan celebrated its official ranking as number one in the world, several families were making arrangements for the bodies of their loved ones to be flown home.

TV Tokyo lost two commentators during the match that confirmed Japan as the world's leading baseball nation. Makoto Fujimoto suffered a heart attack in the first innings as Toshiaki Imae hit a two run single to give Japan a 4-O lead. Kenichi Hagiwara, Fujimoto's surviving co-commentator, then had a conniption in the bottom of the first as Eduardo Paret of Cuba whacked the ball out of the field. Screaming "HOME RUN!!" it is believed Hagiwara burst a blood vessel in his brain and was declared dead soon after being taken to hospital.

Nippon Broadcasting System was relatively lucky with the loss of only one commentator, Sota Fujimori, as its team attempted to convey the feeling of excitement as Japan proved once and for all they are the greatest baseball nation in the history of the game. As Munenori Kawasaki misfielded to give Cuba an unearned run in the sixth, Fujimori screamed "TORIOTOSHITA KAWASAKI!!!!" before suffering a stroke and falling down dead in the box. Fellow commentators carried on calling the game before noticing his corpse around the top of the eighth.

JSports3 was the worst hit company, losing three commentators, Yuya Ichinose, Yoshiyuki Yamazaki and Tomoya Akagawa, in the course of the match that placed Japan as the undeniably greatest sporting nation in the history of the universe. Ichinose ruptured his neck muscles in a boisterous call of "ICHIROOOO!!!" as the spindly monkey-faced bunter hit a double in the fifth, and suffocated waiting for an ambulance. Yamazaki committed suicide in the eighth as Frederich Cepeda hit a two run homer to bring Cuba within one run of Japan. Using his ball point pen, Yamazaki, gripped by the Samurai spirit, ripped open his guts in a show of defiance against the enemy. Akagawa, widely regarded as having the most effective "NIPPON!" in the sportscaster profession, screamed one too many of his trademark catchphrases, and spontaneously combusted as Cuba were shutout in the bottom ninth to give Japan the championship. "NIPPON! NIPPON!!! NIPP-" he bellowed just before exploding all over the commentary box, splattering the windows with meat, bone and brain matter.

Following the match, champagne was sprayed freely in the Japan rooms and Ichiro in particular was vocal in his praise for "Oh, Japan!" as the team has come to be known.
"They're a great bunch of guys," he said. "They're people. I mean real people. Finally I get to play with people. It's been too long. God knows what the major league is populated with, but it sure isn't people. After so many years to play with a team made up of actual people, people who can speak, well it's heaven. I'm sooo fucking sick of foreigners. When can I come home?"

Discuss