Tomakomai, Hokkaido

Tomakomai High School of Hokkaido have been rendered ineligible to defend their crown at the National Invitational High School Baseball Tournament to be held at Hanshin Koshien Stadium in Nishinomiya, Hyogo Prefecture, in late March and early April due to the actions of one dobber prick.

However, in a somewhat surprising turn of events, the dobber prick that snuffed out the life-force of an entire generation of vicarious life-living losers by dobbing in a couple of the newly-graduated Tomakomai High School baseball players as they enjoyed a quiet celebratory one at a local izakaya has been awarded not just the Rising Sun-Times Order of Merit but also the highly prestigious Honourary Kant award.

By winning the National High School Baseball Tournament last summer, the triumphant players had single-handedly restored civic pride to the Siberia-like Northern Japanese wasteland of dead farms and other assorted total bollocks enterprises.

The dobber prick was at the same izakaya as the lads and telephoned the cops on the spot. All he had to do was turn a blind eye. Or perhaps even offer a cheery toast to the young men. Maybe even shout them a chivalrous round.
"Mums the word, lads. Thanks for lifting the spirits of our entire frozen, poxy, shithole arseclag island."
But no. The sad cunt had to put down his raspberry cordial and call the pigs on his silly little fucking cellphone thus extinguishing not only the players baseball careers but also the sporting dreams of an entire island. Therefore he is the recipient of both the Rising Sun-Times Order of Merit and the highly prestigious Honourary Kant awards.
"How so?" you query.

The voyeuristic nature of what passes for "enjoyment" in this inscrutable nation needs to be arrested. Turn off that Nintendo contraption. You get out there and you BE THAT FUCKING WARRIOR. On New Years Eve, don't settle for watching some talentless fop quaffing lager. You fuckin' get out there and GET RIPPED TO THE TITS. And don't just settle for fingering your navel while parked in front of the telly watching some splay-legged runts having all the Rounders fun. You get down to that local park with those endomorph kids of yours and YOU THROW A FUCKING ROCK AT A FUCKING CROW.

Awards recipient "Thomas Bottersfly" was unavailable for comment.

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