Los Angeles, Wednesday

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nicknamed TomKat by the media, have given birth to a 7 pound 7 ounce, 20 inch long baby nose. The sex-crazed Scientology fanatics have been going steady for about a year, and the birth of their first nose, named "Suri", has been protected under the cult's "Silent" procedure. The name Suri means either "princess" or "great big fucking enormous hulking honker" according to a TomKat spokesman who wasn't too sure which.
"Tom and Katie joyously welcome the arrival of the nose," he said in a statement, "and both mother and nose are doing well."

Cruise has used the brain-washing religious cult not only to further his career but also to get into the pants of some of Hollywood's most beautiful women. Nicole Kidman, Kate Moss, Meryl Streep, Oprah Winfrey, Kirstie Alley, Chris Klein, Anne Klein, Calvin Klein, Mimi Rodgers and Penelope Cruz are just some of the women who have given birth to noses after whirlwind romances with the well-endowed star of "Top Gun" and "The DaVinci Code". Coincidentally, the actor also fathered a nose born on the same day as Suri, by Brooke Shields, star of Dudley Moore's "Ten". The two had a public spat regarding Shields' drug addiction last year, leading Cruise to abandon her in favor of Holmes.

The nose is said to take after its father, according to leaked information.

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