Disgruntled and demoted, former heavenly idol Pluto has decided to seek stardom elsewhere, sources close to the celestial body said. Recently relegated from its long-held but disputed status as a true planet, the body said it was actively seeking alternative solar systems to join at full planet status.
More...

Scientists at NASA are red-faced tonight with the revelation that the previously hailed "10th planet" was in fact a big fat JET bitch bounding around the foothills of Hyogo prefecture in leggings and a cable-knit sweater. Announced in July 2005, 2003 UB313, as it is officially named, had become a leading candidate for the title of "10th planet" under the nickname of "Xena". However, on closer examination of the photos, scientists identified the enormous rotund object as Debra Parr, a JET Programme teacher in the remote Ibo district of Hyogo, lumbering felicitously after a few too many of the local sakes through a local park during a school picnic.
More...

New high-resolution images beamed back from the Mars Orbiter recently revealed the red, dusty planet to be a red, dusty planet. NASA's so-called Mars Reconaissance Orbiter, or MRO for short, was built at an expense of 700 million dollars US, in conjunction with missile manufacturing giant Lockheed Martin. The latest in a series of satellites sent to Mars, the Orbiter promises to send back the exact same information that has been known for decades:
there's nothing fucking there.
More...

NASA, the American space agency has reported that its Mars Orbiter is orbiting Mars. In a rare stroke of good luck for NASA, the orbiter, which was launched 7 months ago, managed to get close enough to Mars to orbit its target planet. This brings the success rate to just above 50%, after half the recent orbiter missions failed. The orbiter, officially known as Ivan Ivanovich, was detected in a sleepy, eliptical orbit around the red planet as of two days ago.
More...

Ivan Ivanovich, the near brain dead Russian cosmonaut released from the International Space Station last month on a mission to die, is still alive according to reports from NASA. Ivanovich was jettisoned from the space station after it was found he was incapable of performing his duties and too feeble-bodied to return to earth. He was set up with a flagon of paint thinner and a borscht sandwich and instructed to "spin off gently into space, communicate via radio from time to time, and die gallantly like a Russian".
More...

Ivan Ivanovich, feeble inebriate and leftover from the Soviet Mir era, has finally been jettisoned from the Internation Space Station. Ivanovich, a 20 year veteran of space station life was transferred from an ailing Mir to the new ISS in 2001, just before the aging satellite crashed to earth. While aboard Mir, Ivanovich developed an addiction to paint thinner which gradually ate away his brain, leaving the 49 year old cosmonaut incapable of language beyond primeval grunts and incomprehensible, wild gestures.
More...

Gifu Prefecture has been under a permanent eclipse of the sun for a decade, reports Japan's National Weather Bureau. Citing statistics collected from neighboring prefectural weather stations, the Bureau released data indicating that Gifu's last glimpse of sun was in October 1995, making more than ten years in the dark for the isolated area. Lacking a weather station of its own, the tumble-down prefecture relies on data collected in Aichi, Nagano and even god-forsaken Shiga for its weather reports. This has possibly led to a delay in noticing the prolonged eclipse that currently appears to be affecting only Gifu itself.
More...

Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency today announced the successful landing of its space probe on an asteroid. The landing, the first of its kind, was a major success for the agency, which has seen a string of failures contribute to a general lack of yaruki and genikiness among its scientists in recent years. "The boys had begun to look like some line up of NOVA teachers," said chief navigator Masahiko Mouri. "The hangdog expressions and atmosphere of death was worse than an AEON lobby at 8 p.m."
More...

In an exclusive interview with RST, cosmonauts Yuri Gregorovitch and Sergei Kalishnakov described their feelings about living together in the International Space Station for the past few years. Since first meeting aboard the Mir space station in the late eighties, the two veterans of the Soviet space program have become inseparable space buddies, and now hold the record for longest continuous stay in space at 17 years.
More...

Astronomers at the Royal Danish Observatory have made a startling discovery: the Sun has moons. A team led by Dr. Humbert Thorsgaard made observations over the last two years to confirm their initial suspicion that our sun is orbitted by several natural satellites. "There could be 9 or as many as 10 of these "Solar Moons", Dr. Thorsgaard told a press conference Thursday. "The jury is still out." More...