Toyota Motor Co is being sued for 190 million dollars in the U.S. in a sexual harassment suit. The suit is being brought by employee Sayaka Kobayashi against both the giant car company and its now-resigned president and CEO of North American operations, Hideaki Otaka. Ms Kobayashi, 42, is claiming $10 million for injury, $150 million in punitive damages, $10 million for emotional distress and $20 million for claims of negligent hiring. Kobayashi claims that as personal assistant for the president, he deliberately manipulated their schedules to coincide at times, and sexually assaulted her on two occasions. She has also said that he could either pay the money or "do the right thing and ask her out on a date properly."
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The British Empire Games, or British Empire Games as they are commonly known, is one of the finest sporting traditions on the globe. Since time immemorial, hundreds of athletes from 7 or so countries have competed for medals in the most gruelling of athletic pursuits, including lawn bowls and horse grooming. This year's Empire Games was held in the colonial goldrush town of Melbourne, Australia. Thousands of subjects turned out to cheer Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II as she sped in her gold Rolls Royce past the stadium on opening day. Records fell and athletes excelled at this year's Empire Games, with Great Britain once again cleaning up in a majority of sports. The glory of the British Empire is indeed alive, and the Empire Games simply refuses to decline silently into anonymous redundancy.
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Failing to force Japan's hand with half-hearted diplomacy and trade threats, the U.S. has embarked upon a new plan to re-open the market.
"We put these fuckers at economic gun point and they still didn't blink," laments one economist who begged, and paid for, anonymity. "When we told them we were going to ban their fucking cars, they just laughed their compact little asses off. Then the jibes came out. 'What are you going to sell them?' one guy told me, 'GM? Ford? Daewoo? ' and just kept right on laughing. Man that shit sucks."
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US President George Bush is looking for the next thing to declare war on, according to sources close to the White House. Bush has been leading America in the war against terror for several years now, and is apparently ready to move on to a new project.
"The President feels that the war on terror is largely won," White House spokesman Lenny Liebovitz said, "and that leaves us with a gap to be filled by something else that requires the US to lead a war on."
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McDonald's corporation might soon find itself in court again if New Mexico citizen Jay Hazzlebrook has his way. Hazzlebrook is suing the giant multinational company for the whopping sum of 38 million dollars. Lawyers representing the 23 year old unemployed man say that their client has suffered "untold psychological hardship and suffering" at the hands of "uncaring corporate America at its worst". The lawsuit cites over forty breaches of Mr. Hazzlebrook's rights by the company. At the top of the list: failure to provide a reason to sue you guys.
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Vice President Dick Cheney may have broken hunting law by shooting fellow hunter Harry Whittington on Saturday. Cheney and Whittington were bird hunting on the Armstrong ranch with four others when Cheney blasted the face, neck and shoulder of his friend in an apparent accident. Due to the deputy leader's weekly heart attacks, an ambulance was on standby and rushed Whittington to Christus Spohn hospital where he underwent emergency surgery and was in a stable condition.

Texas Parks and Wildlife spokesman Barbara Bush said that the incident would have to be examined in more detail to see if any laws had been broken:
"We're not entirely sure at this stage whether it's legal to shoot the fuck out of people's faces or not. We'll simply have to wait until all the facts come in. We don't want to jump to any conclusions. Not in Texas."
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Forum poster Tele Zephyr admitted he regularly uses online dictionaries to boost his vocabulary during internet debates.
"Sure, I check words at dictionary.com," he said. "Sometimes posters use really big words so to keep up I just check the meaning and blast them back with some big word myself. It helps me keep my online cred."
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Israeli leader Ariel Sharon has suffered a cerebral haemorrhage and is undergoing emergency surgery at a hospital here. The portly Prime Minister was taken to hospital overnight complaining of feeling unwell when a CRI scan revealed a massive haemorrhage in his brain. He was transferred to an operating theatre where doctors will attempt to drain the blood from his brain. Vice President and Sharon look-alike Dick Cheney is said to be on standby to take over the reins of government.
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Ecofascist Greenpeace ships are disrupting Japan's scientific expedition to investigate whale populations and flavours in the Southern Ocean this week. The Japanese fleet has been held up numerous times by annoying middle class white boys and girls drawn from America's tofu-hugging femino-Marxist underbelly on some self-appointed mission to save the world.
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The unthinkable has happened, according to rumors in the capital: Barbara Bush has gotten uglier. Sources close to the inner conclave of the Bush dynasty have reported that the podgy former First Lady has outdone herself and achieved what many thought was the unachievable, becoming even more grotesque than before.
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A Japanese Imperial Army soldier has emerged from sixty years in hiding in a Philippine internet cafe. The soldier, believed to be Lieutenant Shoichi Onoda, had evaded authorities for decades while posting gormlessly on internet forums and "checking his email". Onoda, 93, appeared to be in good health and untroubled by the bill for 215,000,000 pesos (USD 4,000,000) handed to him as he left. Japanese consular officials escorted the soldier to a debriefing session and audience with the emperor.
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Economic Environmental Statisticians at Stanford School of Economic Environmental Statisticianistics have suggested that the yearly profits at online shopping's Amazon.com are directly equivalent to the loss of rainforest in South America's Amazon Basin. The stastiticians studied the company's profit patterns since inception as well as the yearly deforestation of the Amazon rainforest, and noticed that in highly profitable years, the rainforest shrank more than in leaner years for the company. Putting these figures into some form of graph, the conclusion was inevitable: Amazon.com profits equal Amazon Rainforest losses.
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George Duboeuf, businessman and sometime winemaker from Burgundy, France, has yet again convinced Japan to fork out millions of yen on what is essentially a wine unsuitable for drinking. The astute Duboeuf has been setting Japanese consumers up for years with the ruse that Beaujolais Nouveau is a drinking wine that comes out only when ready each year.
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President George W. Bush has sent a giant Christmas cake to the residents of hurricane stricken New Orleans. The cake measures two meters by four meters and contains enough cake to feed an estimated 5000 black people. "My mommy stirred the icin' for this cake with her own two slaves," said the President in a presentation ceremony on the White House lawn. "And we're damn proud to call ourselves 'Merican, as are you."
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